August 14 1997. That day is imbedded into my mind forever. It is fading but few details and feelings are stuck with me and they will not get out. This was the day my mother died. I was almost eleven. She was almost fifty five. It was really sudden. She had a stroke. I was not with her. That morning she was alone.
The night before, my sister and I left for our city place from out little farm on the outskirts of Gelendzhik. I did not know at the time, that when I waved goodbye to my mother, that in would be the last time I would see her. I saw her body again in a few days but I never saw her again, the living breathing person that was my mother.
That was a shock to my young and sensitive brain. I kept looking for her on the streets, hoping somehow to get her back. I would recognize her in other ladies that I would see on the streets. It would be a shadow that reminded me of her, a posture, a stride, a smell, a glimpse. All of those would arouse memories, and stir my heart and mind to bring her back from the dead. In those moments she would suddenly be still there with me, still alive.
The memory of my mom sill lives with me. After almost 12 years, I am over her death, but I still miss her presence. I know that I cannot wonder of what could have been, although, I was prone to that a lot in the first years after her death. All the things that I did not tell her, all the kindness that I did not give her, all the help I did not offer, all the things that she did not teach me, all the evenings we did not spend together, all those times that will never come…
What I learned was that I was not grieving for her, she was in a better place, I was grieving for myself, for my loss of her. I have learned to let go and to trust the Sovereign Lord in all his plans. I can view them as good or bad, but they are just instruments of bringing me closer to my God, nothing less nothing more. Through my experience of losing my mom so early I learned to trust only God and to confide in Him first. I lost her right when I moved close to the point of understanding my need of her, yet I did not experience it yet. I was on the verge of it but not there yet. God became my only shelter that I could run to for help and solace. I am very thankful to God for what He does in my life, how He uses every little detail of my life to bring my gaze back to Him, to His goodness, to His provision, and to His promises that He always keeps. Everything works out for the good of those who love Him, and only those, as the book of Romans says. It does not apply to everyone, only those who love Him.